Sunday, July 12, 2009

People Say I'm a Dreamer


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Jessica started seeing things that were not there when she was twelve years old.

Her mother chalked it up to pressure from school, adolescence, and possibly drug use, though she did admit that Jessica seemed rather young to do drugs.

Jessica's father chalked it up to Jessica's mother.

The visions started out innocently enough. A quarter or dime on the floor one minute and gone the next. Blue, fuzzy spiders. Giant butterflies. There was nothing Earth shattering or dangerous about the slips of reality. That all came later.

When Jessica reached college, the floating butterflies, amazing flowers and promised quarters changed to monkeys with fez hats blocking her way out the door in the morning making her late for classes, to fire flowing from the wall heater, to a terrible and unexpected experience with a boy that she had longed for for months that she had finally hooked up with a party down the street. There was no need to go into gory detail there. Needless to say, the visions were adversely affecting her life and loves.

She found that she couldn't stop the lucid dreaming from happening, so she made an effort to control the growing rate and extent of the hallucinations she was experiencing by trying to tailor her them to suit her needs, likes, and desires.

But, did she focus on her dream man, fragrant meadows, or floating through her studio apartment on a magic carpet without a care in the world? Unfortunately, she did not. No, Jessica settled on the Skittle scene from E.T.: The Extra-Terrestrial because she thought that it would be wonderful to spend some time with the friendly little creature from the ever so magical Spielberg movie sensation.

She purchased the largest bag of Skittles she could find, then placed Skittle after Skittle inches apart leading from the street (there was no garage) to the small studio apartment she rented. Then she sat back in her favorite chair to wait for her brain creation to come to her. Cute little E.T. - glowing finger, heart light, and all.

The glow from the television bathed the small room in cool, blue light. Jessica felt the sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach and the tingle in the back of her eyes – the only warning she seemed to get when the dream state was about to hit. Excitement grew as she waited for E.T. to waddle up to her and claim her as his new, best friend in this - or any other - world.

She heard a rustling behind her and sprang from the cheap lounge chair to meet her new best friend only to find her new best fiend. There before her stood an alien of a different kind. Dark black and glistening, the eight foot tall monster Alien from the horror franchise of the same name rose from its crouch as it had done while aboard the Nostromo spacecraft in the movie. She had forgotten that she had seen the film mere weeks before. The creature's jaw opened wide and multicolored ooze ran from its Skittle covered teeth. It's secondary, mini-jaw slid free from behind the row of razor sharp teeth and snapped at the air before it's massive skull. Bits of candy fell from its mouth to the rug as it hissed at Jessica. Without warning, its arms shot out towards Jessica and Skittles flew at her from its hands as it opened them and waved its dangerous claws. Skittles flew striking her about the face and neck. NOT the same as E.T. slipping the Skittles to her sweetly like in the movie.

“Damn it! I've had enough of this crap.” Jessica stomped off to the relative safety of her bed as the Alien watched her go, leaned forward, and snatched up a few more Skittles from the carpeting. It popped them into its mini-jaw with a purr and sat down in Jessica's chair to watch Reno 911.

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Jessica made an appointment to have these visions dealt with. She couldn't take it anymore. The doctor she saw was kind and understanding. His beard made her think of Santa Claus, so when he returned from his desk wearing a red suit with a white fur collar, she wasn't surprised in the slightest.
He handed her the prescription slip and said, “These will help you stay with us in this reality, Jessica.” The kindly, jolly doctor smiled at her as the reindeer behind him stuck it's rather large tongue out at her from behind the doctor's back.

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Months passed and the medicine did its job. There were no more Aliens....or monkeys with fez hats. No more giant butterflies flapping at her when she walked to her classes. No more surprises. It was wonderful for a time.

She started having weekly lunches with her mother at the club and couldn't remember why she had hated it so much before the meds. It was a perfectly lovely place with perfectly lovely people. No one bothered anyone. Well, no one bothered each other. They just bothered the wait staff.

“All I'm asking is for them not to have a God Damned puree every God Damned day,” Jessica's mother said with whiskey on her breath. “I mean, do these people need to BLEND every God Damned thing?”

“I really don't know, Mom,” Jessica muttered with a smile as she sipped her iced tea. “I mean, they have lovely salads, and...”

“Your father liked pureed things," she snarled under her breath as she took another sip of whiskey.  "He was like a baby, that man. Him and his need to have...things a certain way all the time.” She coughed out a bitter laugh. “I don't miss that man and his things.”

“Can we not talk about Dad, please?” Jessica smiled nervously. “You know?” Jessica felt uncomfortable in her own skin like a caged animal.

Jessica's mother looked away from her and waved the waiter over to their table. Jessica couldn't help thinking about the night she saw that Alien with its vicious claws tossing Skittles around. She thought her mother's claws looked far more dangerous.

The waiter smiled wide and came over with a bounce in his step. Jessica wanted to warn him. To send up some signal that would wave him off like the ones they had used to wave off planes on a bad approach to the landing decks of carriers during World War II. She had seen it on the History Channel.

“Yes, Miss Carter?” Another wide smile. A lamb to the slaughter.

“Do I look like a baby to you?” Her mother glared.

The man tried to hold his smile, but it faltered with a clear glance at Jessica that suggested that it was some sort of inside joke. It wasn't. “No? You don't look like a baby?”

“That's right – I'm not. Nor do I need my food PRE-BLENDED. I have not needed that since I was a baby and pray I won't need it again for many, many years. Is it so much to ask to not have my food blended?”

Jessica didn't remember the rest of the lunch well. It was all a blur. Her tears had blurred her vision, that much she remembered. She had hit her elbow rushing out of the club at that moment. The swelling had lasted for the rest of the day along with the swelling around her eyes caused by the tears and sobbing. She hadn't wanted to see her mother again after that and had managed to avoid her - save a few calls from time to time to check on her progress in school. That was months ago. It seemed like years.


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Jessica sat in the grass and let the sun brown her legs and arms while she pretended to pay attention to her book. She looked over to her friend, sighed and shrugged at him as she stared into his deep, dark brown eyes. She hoped she hadn't bored him with her story.

She ran a hand over the grass. “And, here we are. Months later. Mother is at arms length now, thank God. My Dad is still helping with school.” She pouted somewhat playfully. “And, things are relatively good now.”

“Do you miss them?” Her friend smiled a sweet and friendly smile up at her and she loved him for it. He's so kind to her. A good friend. Someone who understands her and her...issues.

“The medications?” She frowned. “Sometimes – yeah. I guess I do.” She closed the book in her lap and adjusted her sunglasses absently. “I mean, the meds made it easier to play along, you know? Play this silly game we're all playing.” She smiled.

“But, it wasn't very much fun?” He leaned back on his elbows and squinted over to her. He reached up and tugged his hat forward a bit.

“No. No, it wasn't really.” She wiggled her hands before her as if trying to shake them dry or free of something and cringed. “ I felt bored and dull and lifeless. This is much better.” She smiled and touched his hand, then pushed herself up and off the grass. She dropped her book in her bag as she pulled it up onto her shoulder and motioned for him to stand. “Let's roll?”

The monkey with the fez at her feet nodded to Jessica and muttered, “Sure – I think I'm starting to burn anyway,” as he stood and adjusted his hat. “Are you hungry?” He scratched his cheek. “I was thinking about getting some deli food? A sandwich?” He swatted at the massive butterflies that fluttered over their heads as they walked through the green grass towards the path that lead off campus.

Jessica thought a moment, then shrugged. “Sure. A sandwich sounds good.”



Thursday, July 09, 2009

Neighbor


I walked out to my laundry room today.

I opened the dividing door that closed out the laundry and garbage areas and saw a little, frail old lady carting things up and down the back stairs with another middle aged lady helping her.

I smiled politely and walked into the laundry to move my wash loads around. Part of me wondered if Paul was moving out. He had almost moved once before. I had just told my fiance' that I was going to ask the landlord if he had other properties available, too. Maybe it was fate. Paul could move out and we'd move in. A one flight moving day and a bigger space.

The old lady wandered into the laundry room carrying a plastic bucket with a load of bottles inside it. Her arms with withered and bruised. The thick glasses she wore made her eyes look huge. The white hair on her head was piled in a mild beehive. She was so tiny.

“Did you know Paul Thomas?” She smiled a sad little smile.

My mind ran over the upstairs neighbor Paul Thomas. How he would curse and wail as he went up and down the stairs due to leg and back pain. How he would smell of alcohol on some days and smile wide in a neighborly fashion and talk about the weather or the mail absently. The times where the other neighbors in the building had to call the paramedics because he was drinking himself to death slowly. How he disappeared for a few days and how this same woman – his mother, if I remembered correctly – came by to fill us all in on his fall, his hospital stay and the fact that he may not life to see the next month.

He had lived, however, and returned to the six flat building. Had retreated back into his lone existence.

He continued to prowl around the building cursing his pains and late taxis that were supposed to take him for check ups and grocery runs. Continued to scream and shout at all hours of the night when th drinking had gotten out of control yet again.

We'd taken to avoiding him all together. He was hard to manage and you never knew who you were going to get when interacting with him. Would it be the friendly man in pain, but still smiling and wishing you well? Or, would it be the angry man who smelled of sweat and booze?

I mustered a smile and pointed upstairs. “Yeah, yeah....Paul upstairs. Sure.” I nodded and my heart sank when I saw the tears well up in her eyes.

“Well, he....he died this morning.” She tried to smile.

“Oh.....oh man, I'm so sorry. Oh no....that's terrible.” I meant it. It was sad for her and I felt for her loss.

“Yeah....he was just....he had been drinking a lot. It really got out of hand.

The middle aged lady muttered, “Not eating...” from the stairs and placed a bag of recycling on one of the cans.

“Not eating, just drinking. And, he had the bad heart and wouldn't take his medication, you know.” She wiped at her eyes. “He was down at that market down the street – Tate's?”

“Right,” I whispered.

“He just fell down in front. Asked them to call him a cab to take him home.” She sighed. “And, he died this morning.”

“Man – what a shame. I'm really sorry for your loss.” I wanted to pat her arm or hug her, but held back.

“Well, at least it was quick for him.” Her arm shivered.

“Can I deal with the bucket and bag for you?” I didn't wait for an answer, slipping it from her hand. The bucket was light, but looked like it could pull her arm out at the shoulder – she was so slight.

“Thank you. Thanks.” She smiled a pretty, wide smile as I dropped the recycling into the can. “Thank you for being such a good friend to Paul.”

A knot formed in my stomach. “Of course. Of course.” Guilt washed over me. “Well, we're right here,” I said pointing around at our door. “I've been up for over a day, but please let me know if you need any help, ok? I'll be up for several hours. Really – it's not a problem.” I nodded.

“Thank you so much. Really.” She smiled and turned to head back upstairs. “We'll be in and out dealing with this for a while.”

“Oh, your bucket.” I handed it to her.

“Thanks. Thanks again.” She smiled and the tears started again. She managed to make it up the stairs, but I had a feeling of dread watching her do it. She looked like she was made of glass.

I turned and returned to my laundry. I heard her say something about me being nice and how Paul had such nice neighbors and I felt like shit.

I hadn't done much for Paul while he was alive. He lived alone and drank alone. I lived in the same building for years and never invited him over. I never offered to drive him to the store. To grab something for him if I was going down there. If it wasn't for his mother being there when he died, none of us would have known until the tell tail signs of death alerted us to his passing. And why? Because I thought he'd be a pain in the ass. I thought he'd call on me to help him all the time if I did it once.

It was fucked up.

I slide quarters into the dryer and started it after hanging some things on the line. I tossed the next load in the wash and started that going, then I slunk back to my apartment to think over what it means to be a good neighbor.

Hell – what it takes to be a good human being.

The door closed with a click.